Getting by with less.

This isn't a post about budgeting, or how to play your chiropractor into lessening your care plan, or how to not notice 1000 calories missing from your diet.

This is a post about filling emotional needs when people you depend on are no longer around. This post is about chronic, insufferable, unending loss, and how after time it doesn't really get better*, but you learn to get by with less.

My Grandmother was an excellent listener. She listened when she most likely shouldn't have, but it was one of the most comforting things in the world to call my nana and tell her all of the insane things I'd done and wait for her to smack her lips, laugh, or cry (I'd like to think that crying didn't happen too often). Her form of encouragement was unique. When I wanted to give up and felt like I'd never make it, she would say, "Why don't you come home?" That made me so angry! I'd say, "Why do you want to tempt me with mediocrity?" Then she'd go on to say, "Why don't you just come home, live with me, and get your old job back at the grocery store?" This would dig at my heart and make me feel like a complete failure. How could she say that? How could she say that after working so hard and getting so far, that I should come home and work as a cashier in the local grocery store? And then I would push harder than I ever thought imaginable, and she would beam at me with a pride that bordered evil.

I always suspected that she'd said those things to push me, but I also know that she genuinely missed me being home, so it was always a toss up as to whether she believed her own words or not. I imagine that was a battle she also faced.

So fast forward to now. I am 4 months into private practice. Like most ventures, my weeks are full of ups and downs. Lately I've just wanted someone to talk to. I don't really want to talk about what I do with them:I don't really want to talk very much at all. I just want someone to listen to me, and someone I can listen to that has absolutely nothing to do with my daily efforts. (This is the plight of anyone who's spouse is in the same profession as them.) And more importantly, I want my grandmother to listen to me. So how can I find that same feeling of content, and peace without her physical presence?

You find it where you can.

You'll find that after time, you don't need much. And sometimes you'll mistakenly put that need into someone who isn't really going to help fulfill it. But most of the time, just a pinch of that feeling will return and you'll be ok again for awhile.

Yesterday was a rough day. I cried 4 times. You should probably know that I've cried 4 times in the past 12 months, so 4 times in a day was odd. I cried in my car, cried over a pot of rice, cried in my office, and cried while watching a video of a man who couldn't walk kiss his wife on unsteady feet. It was amidst the car cry that I realized I was upset because I didn't feel as though I had that outlet; that person to argue with quietly until one of us had had enough and we'd sit in silence until we were ready again. That person who egged me to "come home" and settle for what was handed to me at birth. So last night I got up and went to a meeting that I'd kind of been dreading. I showed up and spent way too much time on my phone instead of interacting with people around me. Then one of the most brilliant minds I've ever encountered walked up to me and said, "How's it going?" I said, "I'm ok. I'm doing great, just not where I thought I'd be. I'm impatient." And she replied simply, "Me too." And that was it. That was all I needed. I needed to see that outside of my bubble, the difficulty in visualizing the future while living in the real present was universal.

And that's really the heart of this. The ups and the downs and the ins and outs are not special or unique to Chiropractic, or NFP, or me at all. These feelings and experiences are universal. If you are a SAHM, or a auditor working 85 hours a week, the waves of satisfaction and defeat are just as real for you as they are me. Some times we just need a little shoulder bump as a reminder that all of this is ok. This is all part of some nasty goopy process that will ultimately and unavoidably end in our excellence. We are all in the same life raft and no one ever gets their fair share of steering.



*https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Warwick_Middleton/publication/232480143_Pathological_grief_reactions/links/57637bf008ae9964a16baa32.pdf

The tact and grace of an inside joke.

I seem to mention at least every other blog or so, "mom guilt". It is a soul crushing distraction from all the other great things we have to be stressed and freaking out about. In my opinion, building a community based on inclusion and "laughing through the chaos" is one of the best ways to combat "mom guilt"

So what on earth does an inside joke have to do with chiropractic, pregnancy, fertility, or ketogenesis? Everything. Have you ever been so stressed out that you focused in on a doughnut until it was in your mouth. Have you ever been so tired or out of it that you missed an entire conversation someone was trying to have with you? Have you ever caught yourself looking at facebook on your phone while facebook is also open on the computer in front of you? These are symptoms of overwhelm; and they are part of the problem.

We, as humans, are meant for social interaction. We hug, we kiss, and for those of us who are really uncomfortable with physical touch, we have great intimacy in sharing the mundane tiny details and simply speaking to other people.

When we talk about inside jokes, the beauty and simplicity of the comment is that there's no necessary depth before the event comes to fruition. We have inside jokes with people we've only met a few times. To say to a person, "Remember that one time..." even if it was the first time, is no less valuable. An inside joke artificially (and then, of course, genuinely) increases intimacy. We want people to remember us. We don't all want to be the star of the show, but when you meet someone  for the second or third time and they remember something you were wearing or something you said, it makes us feel as if that person values that memory.

So, if you are tired of being home with babies, and you are looking for a mom group or a scheduled event for kids and moms alike, seek out the women that remember you. Those women are the goodies, the ones who pay attention, and the ones who are more likely to laugh at life with you, instead of chastising every decision you make.

The art of the inside joke takes the edge off of what could be a painful reintroduction to society. In general I think we could all stand to laugh a little more.

Recently I was asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" And I said, "I want to make people laugh." Can chiropractic make people laugh? Absolutely. If we know that the brain is speaking to the body and the body is speaking to the brain, and that person is "working on all cylinders" then we know that no matter what happens, they will be adapting to whatever life throws at them better.

A quick story to round out this pretty light post:
**This was told to me by a professor in Chiropractic School**

A man came into the clinic for low back pain. He brought his daughter with him. He didn't speak much, and his clothes were often dirty, and over all he seemed like a pretty angry man. After the first phase of his care plan ended he told the doctor he wouldn't be coming back. The little girl started crying. The doctor asked, "Are you not feeling better? Are we not getting the results you anticipated?" To which the patient said, "I feel much better, but I don't have pain any more so I'm not going to come in anymore." The doctor turned to the little girl and asked if she'd noticed any differences in her father since he'd started care. The daughter said, "Since he started chiropractic care he doesn't hit me anymore. I'm afraid if he stops he'll start hitting me again."

1. We can not down play the effect of the adjustment on the brain.
2. We can not down play the effect of dysfunction on behavior.
3. We can not pretend that "pushing through" issues has no effect on children.

Laugh more. Live better.