Ideal birth; an image

We've seen all seen it. In the age of social media dominance, you've seen that gorgeous mom with the high top messy bun, eyeliner on point, perfect manicured nails, in a deep squat or on her back with a doting scruffy faced husband with a furrowed brow or bulging eyes at his instantaneous conversion of seeing his wife the sex goddess become his wife....The Godess. She is 40 weeks to the day, maybe even a few days early, she gained 20 pounds exactly, and only in the past 3 weeks gave up her back squats. She delivers naturally; probably in a birthing center. She is only moments away from the perfect latch and perfect milk let down. She will be enchanted by her baby immediately and will step into motherhood with grace. Because of her authoritative physical presence, no one will ask her when she will start watching what she eats. No one will bat an eye when baby sleeps for 9 hours a night after the first week until the baby is 13 years old. The baby will never have a blow out, ear infection, and certainly will never cry every night between the hours of 4:30pm and 8:00pm. She will wait the appropriate 4 hours after birth and her husband will post an image of mother and baby on instagram, and he will say his wife is the strongest woman he's ever met and he is SO in love with his new baby.

Gah, these people are such jerks! Right!?!? Nope. They aren't. They aren't jerks. They are two people that decided to have sex during the fertile phase of the ovulatory cycle, and as a result, she had a baby. Even that is presumptuous. That baby could have been prayed for, for years. That baby could be a rainbow baby. The point is not how other people do pregnancy and birth. The point is that you don't have to do it that way. 

There are general markers of pregnancy; as a whole, consuming a bottle of wine a night is not the best idea. It's a good idea to have a birth leader; be that a midwife, an obstetrician, or your Aunt Lucy. They are way more attuned to the best practices of pregnancy, but the focus here is that you choose. 

When anyone tells me they are pregnant I send them to the same place. It is my favorite place to send people because it is a webpage that offers, "40 questions for your midwife." Most often I send people there and they immediately say something like, "I don't even know what half of those words mean." This isn't meant to overwhelm you or make you feel stupid. This is meant to call you to a higher level of thinking. The questions asked on that page are going to make you ask questions. Hopefully, when you ask those questions, you get answers that make sense and align with what you want. My goal in practice is to empower parents to be as present with their children as possible and in my mind, this starts right with that first pregnancy test, and probably even before. 

Your ideal birth doesn't have here or there, or up or down, or right or wrong. It must be one where mama is comfortable. In my social circles, if I said, "You know, I really want to deliver in a hospital with an epidural." I would be harshly judged. That judgement would come from a place of education and statistically likely outcomes... but it's judgement nonetheless. I'm sure there are social groups that would faint at the idea of an unassisted childbirth; it would appear that the politicians making the rules on all of our births are in that crowd.

As a newb entrepreneur, I've been attending a lot of personal growth/mindset meetings in my community. 75% of them are amazing and worthy of your time, by the way. In those meetings the final, obnoxiously esoteric and yet also applicable recommendation, is to envision your dream. I don't see why birth should be any different.

When you think of birth, what are your first thoughts? I suspect that a solid 1/3 of the people reading this immediately thought of the financial burden. Ok, so let's take that and place it aside. What next? What do you see? I think, because I saw it right when it occurred to me that I might one day go through birth, I think of Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up; again...maybe not the best image.

Who is in the room? Who holds your hand? Does your hand need holding? Are you quiet and still? or panting and dancing and wild? What do the eyes look like of everyone in the room? Are they old and crinkled into anticipatory smiles? Are they wide open to take in every velvety moment? Are you on a bed? Or are you on the floor? Are there medical masks? What are you wearing? Are you wearing a hospital gown? Are you wearing a cute piece of lingerie, like women wear when they need an extra "oomph" of confidence? Are you wearing your spouse's old shirt? Are there windows in the room? What's the weather like outside? Are you inside or outside? When you give that last push, what is the first thing you want your baby to feel? Will a doctor catch your baby in nitrile gloves? Will your baby go from one aquatic environment to another? Will you pull him to the outside world yourself? And then what? Will there be shrills and screams of pleasure and excitement? Or will everything melt down into liquid serenity. Will anyone else exist in those precious moments?

I've been told a million times, "I thought I wanted to sit on the ball: I didn't want to sit on the ball". "I thought I would want my husband to rub my back: If anyone touched me I threw up." It's ok for things to change. It's ok to want to wear something special and then it gets poop or pee or some other bodily function on it and have to change. It's ok to start at home and end up not at home. It's ok to have a birth plan that goes out the window. But that doesn't make the birth plan any less significant. Have someone, or a team of someones with you to help you. If you don't want pitocin, and you are offered pitocin...that's not ok. If you don't want an epidural and you are offered an epidural, that's not ok! If you don't want your husband's sister's mailman in the room, guess what? THEY DON'T COME IN. You are delivering your baby into the world. Anyone else in the room is merely an observer or an accomplice in miracle work. Make sure your company is worthy of the experience; because birth is nothing short of miraculous. 

NFP vs. Fertility Awareness: Change your language to change the world.

I recently had the honor of speaking with a group of women that all brought different experiences and input on fertility and womanhood. Coming from a higher learning perspective on health and fertility, I was amazed at what I learned. Below are some of the high light take away points:

1. Just because you have said the same thing a million times does not mean that it should not be said a million and one times. My goals in practice are not to have women exclusively home birthing, breast feeding for 5 years, and having baby only touch fair trade organic grown and washed diapers. That's a nice dream, but that isn't reality. A woman delivers her baby, a woman (and partner) makes the decisions concerning the birth and parenting of her child. A woman needs to know what she wants and surround herself with people who will support those wants and desires. Sometimes that means a C-section. Sometimes that means 'sposies. It is not my goal to tell them how wrong they are; it is my goal to empower them to know that what they want is what they are capable of. 

2 . If you want to change the world, change your language. I didn't learn this at this event, but I said it. I wasnt the first person to say this, but it is my mantra concerning Chiropractic and up until this point it never occurred to me that NFP needs a language change. Let's break it down: Natural Family Planning. So, fertility is purely for families? And purely for families looking to manage the number of children they have? OH! No, no no. Fertility, as I have said before is the 7th vital sign! Women, and men for that matter, are fertile outside of marriage. For women, the menstrual cycle is an amazing insight to health. NFP (henceforth known as fertility awareness on this page) is something to be aware of years before sex is even an option. So, despite my beautiful business cards that tout my certification as an NFP instructor, I am a fertility awareness teacher, focusing on Marquette Method. 

3. Pea Salad is WAY tastier than it sounds :) 

I implore you to consider the ramifications of your words. The words we use today will impact how our children and future generations speak on these topics. Speak to your children about their bodies, and use the terms that you want them to use as adults. Teach them early that menstruation is more than just the sloughing of endometrial lining of their uterus. Don't let your children learn about fertility the same way you did. Fertility does not imply sexuality. Sexuality is a different conversation, possibly for a different time.